Communication and Mutual Problem Solving

(Rexburg Temple)

Ephesians 4:

26 Be ye angry, and sin not: let not the sun go down upon your wrath:

>>>>> it is pretty much impossible to be angry and not sin, whether in thought or action, anger is of the devil. Anger is a secondary emotion that stems from other natural emotions like frustration, we need to control our emotions and figure them out before we are tempted to anger.

27 Neither give place to the devil.

29 Let no corrupt communication proceed out of your mouth, but that which is good to the use of edifying, that it may minister grace unto the hearers.

>>>> Our words need to lift others up, we need to be an example and a teacher through what we say. We need to give grace to others, grace is something that we get even though we don't deserve it. We aren't in charge of labeling what others deserve but if we feel like they don't deserve something we need to administer grace and both parties will learn and grow and benefit.

31 Let all bitterness, and wrath, and anger, and clamour, and evil speaking, be put away from you, with all malice:

32 And be ye kind one to another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God for Christ's sake hath forgiven you.

>>> Who are we to not forgive someone when God forgives all.

THE COUNSEL METHOD

The first presidency and quorum of the twelve have a weekly meeting to make important church decisions in the temple. Their counsel method is amazing and everyone would benefit from it if they instilled in within their own families.

>First they all know the agenda so that everyone can pray about it the night before and be prepared to share their thoughts

>They meet once a week, this is important because it sets up a pattern and makes it easier for everyone to be comfortable in the process.

>Next they meet a little early and express their love an appreciation for one another, this would be such a blessing in a family if everyone knew how much they meant to one another.

>They open the meeting with a prayer. This invites God and the spirit so that there will be no alterior motives or strife and so that they can receive inspiration and know what God's will is on the matter.

>They go around the room in order and EVERYONE in the room gets time to say their piece on the subject and what they think God's will would be. This is so important because everyone feels equal and the other family members get to understand everyone a little more deeply. You never know who is more ready to receive a certain type of inspiration and who might be able to explain it.

>Next they all reach a CONSENSUS. This is important that everyone agrees on God's will because then no one feels like they are being forced to do something. This would make decisions as a family so much stronger and the children would be more willing to join if they are a part of the process.

>Then they end with a prayer, expressing gratitude to the Lord for helping them come to a decision. This is very important because not only is it necessary to give thanks to God but it also helps us recognize how the Lord might reveal revelation to us.

>After the prayer they all share a treat/refreshment together. This puts a "good taste" in their mouths about the meeting and there is just something about sharing food that unifys people.

This method is such a good thing to instill in our families! Every part of the Counsel Method is inspired and beneficial. I am going to do this someday with my family.

The Family Under Stress

(siblings)

Everyone reacts to stress differently just like everyone reacts to dangerous situations differently. Some people run some people fight and some people freeze. Having this knowledge of different reactions can help us to understand our loved ones actions and feelings in hard times. 

It is important for families to come out of crisis stronger than they were before and not more distant and weak as a family unit. There is a formula for family crisis that explains why some families may not make it as easily as others. 

A-actual event + B-both resources and how they are used + C-cognition (thought process/attitude) 

= X the experience

I really love this formula because it shows that even though we may not have control of the event or what resources we have, we do have control over how we use our resources and how we think of our situations. This means that there is never a reason for failure, if we fail it is because we didn't try hard enough as a family.

The word crisis in Chinese characters is made up of danger and opportunity. This is so true and so cool to think about, we have the power to make our lives and families happy and loving no matter what we are going through.

It is important to be close with our families through the easy times so that through any challenges we have it will only bring us closer together.

Sexual Intimacy and Family Life

(Cinco De Mayo party-marriage before friends)

Sexual intimacy in marriage is super important and it is also seemingly a no brainer, this is where people can get hurt and confused. Men and Women are so different in many aspects of life, and it is the same with this aspect of life and marriage as well. I'm not going to go into the details of sexual intimacy in marriage but i will say that many people think that it is something magical that both parties should just get instantly, and if they don't then maybe they weren't meant to be. This is obviously false, we have learned and practiced in every other area of our life and this should be no different. 

One thing that can cause hurt in this aspect of a marriage is selfishness. Selfishness is never good, but in sexual intimacy it just doesn't make sense. There is a cycle we discussed in class that shows the differences in men and women and shows how both must be completely unselfish and their needs will be automatically met as well. For a man to feel safe, close, and connected (loved) he needs physical or sexual intimacy, on the flip side for a woman to want to be physically or sexually intimate she needs to feel safe, close, and connected. This can be the greatest cycle of everyone's needs being met or a couple's greatest down fall, if one or both are not will to take a leap of faith and be unselfish for their partner. 

We also talked about "Affair Proofing Your Marriage." First couples need to "leave and cleave", it is time for the children to leave their parents and become adults with a separate new family of their own. It is vital to set boundaries with friends and family and to discuss these boundaries with your spouse. Here are a few things we came up with in class to help prevent unfaithfulness:

-No discussion of marital problems or annoyances with anyone other than your spouse 

-Limit the time spent with friends and family, it should be a bonus not a constant

-Anything to do with the opposite gender happens together, Never find yourself alone no matter what

-friendships need to change dynamics or they need to end, no blurred boundaries

-regulate facebook/internet/texting, its a good idea to combine facebooks if having one is important

-Don't talk with friends about other attractive people even casually

-Don't get cocky "that won't happen to us" no one is "above" that unless they are consciously trying

Children need to be taught in their homes about their bodies and about sexual intimacy and how it is sacred and not bad, but it has its own time and place. We want our kids to be able to talk to us, ask us any question, this needs to start at the very beginning. Is a child going to want to talk to a parent if they make light of their questions or if they find out they were fabricating the truth? No. I'm not saying lay every graphic detail out on the line for them, but there are certain ages where they can handle more and more about these subjects and if they don't find out at home they will find out else where, and it will not be portrayed as sacred if that is the case. Also children aren't going to ask questions about things that have never been talked about or brought up previously. These subjects are never easy but if we practice and bring them into our homes our children will be better prepared to know why they are made differently from each other and what their divine purposes are.

There are helps to know good timelines of discussions with children that can be found at places like LDS.org

Transitions in Marriage

(Easter Dinner)

New couples have some "critical tasks" that they need to accomplish to help the foundation of their relationship strengthen and have something to build upon. The task that i think is the most important is for them to "draw a clear boundary" around themselves as a new unit and couple. This means that parents and friends and others that used to be important parts of their lives are now secondary to their spouse and to the relationship. Along with that comes open communication. No longer should the couple run to their parents when there is a problem, this will just cause bigger problems of trust and contentment in the future between spouses and in-laws. The husband needs to confide in the wife, the wife needs to talk about problems with the husband and vice verse. This process should start as soon as possible but it most definitely needs to be in place while planning the wedding. After all, the mother is not marrying her daughter, their relationship is most likely already solidified. 

We have discussed in class that it is normal for couples to report less satisfaction in their relationship as time goes by, especially as children are born. But "What is natural is not inevitable." I think that if we know why this happens and that it is normal it will be easier to change that norm and to work on having stronger relationships. When a child is born the mother naturally tends to the child's needs and wants and tries to do everything she can that is "best" for the child. At this point the Father wants to be involved too and may try to  but the Mother tries to "teach" to much instead of welcoming the help. This teaching is perceived as criticism and the Father may feel that he is being pushed away or ignored so he then pulls back and focuses his attention else where, usually at work. Then the wife feels that her husband doesn't care and so the cycle continues unless it is consciously changed or avoided.
It is important for the Father to be engaged in the family and it is maybe more important for the wife to engage her husband in all the pre-natal and post-natal care. The marriage should always come first and if it is taken care of, the child will be cared for as a consequence of a strong marriage relationship. Women need to trust and compliment. A man somehow survived life before he was married, so it would seem that men don't need to be "taught" every second. Sure a woman may have that nurturing instinct but men are known to have a protective instinct. Both are important and both need to be used in raising a child. Sometimes men have ideas that a women would never think of, that just might be more effective for that child, after all it is made from both the parents.

Preparing for Marriage

(Biking date)

This last week we covered dating and the different things that go along with that. One thing we discussed was the reasons people “pick” the people they date. A couple reasons we came up with were proximity and shared experiences. You aren’t going to be with someone if they aren’t around you and you have no way of meeting them, plus close proximity is just easy to get to know one another, long distance relationships are stressful and hard. You want someone with shared experiences or things in common with you so that you can relate. Not only is it easier to find things to talk about and get excited over but you can see where a person is coming from when you can understand their personal biases. The more things people have in common the easier it is going to be.

We also talked about the quality of dating taking place and what gives a marriage a better chance of survival. Obviously there are always exceptions to every rule but there are things that people can do to help their future marriages be successful. First it is important to not just “slip” into marriage from dating, there needs to be clear boundaries and direct steps that are understood by both parties involved in the relationship. We start out with dating, a variety of activities with a variety of people, so that we can know what qualities we like in others and what qualities we want to change or enhance within ourselves. Then we make a conscious mutual decision to go into courtship, this is the trial period and persuasion as well. Next we make the step into the engagement and see if we can actually be married to this person forever. Finally we make the biggest decision and get married, but it isn’t scary because we had a thoughtful dating process and we know it is best for both people involved.

The most common question that was brought up in class pertained to timing and how long to date someone before it was ok to get married. There is no set answer for this question, there are guidelines and suggested time frames though. It is suggested that dating someone for one to two years is a great way to set yourself up for a successful, long-lasting marriage. This doesn’t mean that oh we have dated for a year we must be ready to commit to each other for the rest of our lives. Within that year or so of dating it has to be more quality than quantity, what matters more than time itself is what you do with that time. We need to be dating with a purpose and with questions that are getting answered. For example if I want to know if someone will be a good parent I would want to plan a date or a night for us to baby sit together. My professor said that “The best indicator of future behavior is current behavior.” We need to see the other person in many situations before we can begin to know them. We need to know them more than we trust them, trust them more than we rely on them, rely on them more than we are committed to them, and be committed more than we are “touching” them. Using those rules we are less likely to get confused by our emotions. You can’t chose to marry someone based on how you feel when you’re with them, most likely you’ll feel good around them but feelings change every day.

I’m still learning so I’m not an expert but I really do believe that intentionally getting to know someone before diving into long term relationships can save people from a lot of heart ache.