Preparing for Marriage

(Biking date)

This last week we covered dating and the different things that go along with that. One thing we discussed was the reasons people “pick” the people they date. A couple reasons we came up with were proximity and shared experiences. You aren’t going to be with someone if they aren’t around you and you have no way of meeting them, plus close proximity is just easy to get to know one another, long distance relationships are stressful and hard. You want someone with shared experiences or things in common with you so that you can relate. Not only is it easier to find things to talk about and get excited over but you can see where a person is coming from when you can understand their personal biases. The more things people have in common the easier it is going to be.

We also talked about the quality of dating taking place and what gives a marriage a better chance of survival. Obviously there are always exceptions to every rule but there are things that people can do to help their future marriages be successful. First it is important to not just “slip” into marriage from dating, there needs to be clear boundaries and direct steps that are understood by both parties involved in the relationship. We start out with dating, a variety of activities with a variety of people, so that we can know what qualities we like in others and what qualities we want to change or enhance within ourselves. Then we make a conscious mutual decision to go into courtship, this is the trial period and persuasion as well. Next we make the step into the engagement and see if we can actually be married to this person forever. Finally we make the biggest decision and get married, but it isn’t scary because we had a thoughtful dating process and we know it is best for both people involved.

The most common question that was brought up in class pertained to timing and how long to date someone before it was ok to get married. There is no set answer for this question, there are guidelines and suggested time frames though. It is suggested that dating someone for one to two years is a great way to set yourself up for a successful, long-lasting marriage. This doesn’t mean that oh we have dated for a year we must be ready to commit to each other for the rest of our lives. Within that year or so of dating it has to be more quality than quantity, what matters more than time itself is what you do with that time. We need to be dating with a purpose and with questions that are getting answered. For example if I want to know if someone will be a good parent I would want to plan a date or a night for us to baby sit together. My professor said that “The best indicator of future behavior is current behavior.” We need to see the other person in many situations before we can begin to know them. We need to know them more than we trust them, trust them more than we rely on them, rely on them more than we are committed to them, and be committed more than we are “touching” them. Using those rules we are less likely to get confused by our emotions. You can’t chose to marry someone based on how you feel when you’re with them, most likely you’ll feel good around them but feelings change every day.

I’m still learning so I’m not an expert but I really do believe that intentionally getting to know someone before diving into long term relationships can save people from a lot of heart ache.