Transitions in Marriage

(Easter Dinner)

New couples have some "critical tasks" that they need to accomplish to help the foundation of their relationship strengthen and have something to build upon. The task that i think is the most important is for them to "draw a clear boundary" around themselves as a new unit and couple. This means that parents and friends and others that used to be important parts of their lives are now secondary to their spouse and to the relationship. Along with that comes open communication. No longer should the couple run to their parents when there is a problem, this will just cause bigger problems of trust and contentment in the future between spouses and in-laws. The husband needs to confide in the wife, the wife needs to talk about problems with the husband and vice verse. This process should start as soon as possible but it most definitely needs to be in place while planning the wedding. After all, the mother is not marrying her daughter, their relationship is most likely already solidified. 

We have discussed in class that it is normal for couples to report less satisfaction in their relationship as time goes by, especially as children are born. But "What is natural is not inevitable." I think that if we know why this happens and that it is normal it will be easier to change that norm and to work on having stronger relationships. When a child is born the mother naturally tends to the child's needs and wants and tries to do everything she can that is "best" for the child. At this point the Father wants to be involved too and may try to  but the Mother tries to "teach" to much instead of welcoming the help. This teaching is perceived as criticism and the Father may feel that he is being pushed away or ignored so he then pulls back and focuses his attention else where, usually at work. Then the wife feels that her husband doesn't care and so the cycle continues unless it is consciously changed or avoided.
It is important for the Father to be engaged in the family and it is maybe more important for the wife to engage her husband in all the pre-natal and post-natal care. The marriage should always come first and if it is taken care of, the child will be cared for as a consequence of a strong marriage relationship. Women need to trust and compliment. A man somehow survived life before he was married, so it would seem that men don't need to be "taught" every second. Sure a woman may have that nurturing instinct but men are known to have a protective instinct. Both are important and both need to be used in raising a child. Sometimes men have ideas that a women would never think of, that just might be more effective for that child, after all it is made from both the parents.